The Ones We Marry

I read once we become involved with people most like the parent we had the most trouble with if we aren’t healed. And, once we heal, it can put great strain on our relationship if the partner sees no issue with their behavior towards us. I am there.

My husband is disabled. The women he was involved with before me needed “rescuing” and I did too, when we met. I no longer require rescuing. (Health insurance and money are nice but I am working on becoming financially independent.) This has put a distance between us as wide as the Grand Canyon. He can’t and won’t help for the most part. Yesterday he informed me if he pays the bills, I am responsible for everything else in the house. I’m still processing that but there have been other incidents that are so “bio mom like” it’s scary.

I assume he no longer loves me because he hasn’t said those words in years. Last summer we had a roommate who was smoking upstairs but he refused to believe me and wanted proof (I was never believed by bio mom and she never stood up for me). As it turned out, yes he was smoking upstairs but, of course, I was given no apology.

He stood up for the roommate and accused me of being crazy because I was afraid of the roommate after him threatening me. I made it up, I was crazy, and I was the one who couldn’t get along (BTW, afraid for me translates to self defense so I was not in danger but I was on my own with that much as I was as a child).

Then there was a beautiful music box he gave me with a sweet sentiment about how I thought he felt on the front.  I was moved  to tears and said something about how I love the words.  He told me that didn’t matter; he only bought it for the song it played.  My heart just broke (love unreachable no matter what.)

My point here is, if you are struggling with any parent issues do not get involved in a committed relationship until you heal and know your triggers. That knowledge wouldn’t have saved me because I wasn’t seeing a therapist when we first got together. For me, I am realizing my triggers, pulling back and planning on making changes as needed to protect myself from emotional hurt. I repeat to myself many times a day, I am a good person, not crazy and I am reaching for joyful healing and freedom.