Body Image

My cousin shared this with me last night. It is the first time I have ever been able to look at pictures without cringing at how ugly and fat I was.

My biological mother had eating disorders and gladly shared with me. She restricted my food as a kid and even as a teenager and adult.

My daughter and I visited once and food ran out at their house. I didn’t have a car so I gave dad money to pick up food. He refused because it would upset mother. For three days, I rationed my food so my daughter had enough to eat. The third day, I called a friend, who arranged for us to be picked up, helped us get on a plane and fly home.

And there was the withholding of food when I was a child so I didn’t get “fat” even when the doctor said I was dangerously thin. What helped was Aunt Dot who made sure I had food on weekends and often sent home food for just me. And I had nuns, friends and family who helped too.

And as I look at the notes on this picture, I realize Aunt Dot also helped keep me safe. I remember getting ready to go out and her telling me I was beautiful inside and out. I was a good person, according to her. She stood in the gap between an eating disorder and death.

Now I have the battle to heal. I’m old and it bothers me a lot. Husband doesn’t find me attractive anymore and my hair is mousy and unkept and I think I only own one pretty dress. Well, I’m doing a bit of shopping when I get to Alabama. I need to see myself as attractive, too .