Couple of Days

My husband has been more upset with me than normal. Yesterday, he accused of wanting my daughter’s dog dead. The dog is very difficult but I would never wish her dead. It rattled me.

My bio mom accused me of wanted her dead at the end of her life. I never wanted anything bad to happen to her. Sadly, though, I had let down my guard because I was exhausted. That lead to her death and, for that, I will always feel guilty. It was, roughly, her 18th suicide attempt but I feel, somehow, I murdered her. I was so very tired.

Then today, I said I hated a song. There are three notes in it that make my teeth hurt because they are so high. He yelled at me about how I hate everything. Nothing could be further from the truth.

My daughter said it was because I changed the radio station from news. I was in tears from the heart break on the news right now. I was overwhelmed. I can’t cry around him in daylight because that upsets him too so I had to change the station. It’s been a quiet afternoon. I’m walking on eggshells. I don’t want another conflict.

I just wish he wasn’t always upset with me at every turn. It is so much worse if I ask for help. Getting help with something involves asking, begging, pleading and then yelling. Makes me feel like crap. I just wish he still loved me but it is what it is. I don’t want to leave or talk to him about it. I am always wrong in any case.